I decided it was time to return to blogging after being away for 8 months. I found this entry written in June, 2012, but never published.
I am in the space between. I am not taking care of Mom and I am not at home where chores wait. I am allowing my thoughts to roll in and out like the ocean waves I am watching. Nothing is sticking for long, which is a good thing–cleansing, even.
I finished reading Then, Again by Diane Keaton yesterday. Her mother wrote in 85 journals over her lifetime. Diane wrote the book as a legacy honoring her relationship with her mother who died from Alzheimer’s Disease. She uses entries from her mother’s journal, her journal, letters, and recorded phone messages. I recommend it. “Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.” William Wordsworth wrote. Whether we agree with someone or not, listening to or reading another’s words can bring understanding and respect in spite of our differences.
Words anchor our relationships. When they slip away from someone we love, it is inevitable that we feel unhinged. It has been over 6 years since Mom experienced several strokes and loss of words. I miss her spoken and written words. I miss her fussing at us about leaving the door open between the kitchen and backroom and not wiping our feet, tracking in sand. I miss her praying the blessing at dinner time and playing “pretend” with the grandkids. I miss seeing her singing in the choir at church. I miss her cards and letters. Each one found from the past is cherished. I hear her voice in my heart.
Words that we hear or read can be doorways to adventures, love, friendships, acts of kindness, finding ways to make this world a better place to live, experiencing the Divine, and anything you might imagine. Books have been an important part of my caregiving journey. Some are for escape from the sameness of each day. Some are for knowledge to make the journey with fewer bumps in the road.